Survivor: San Juan Del Sur, Episode 5

The tribal switch often is the first time we see some castaways start playing the game, and this week was no exception. Nobody can hide after a tribal swap, and Blood Vs. Water seasons only seem to intensify the brightness of the spotlights that some castaways find themselves under.  Swap and merge episodes are typically action packed, and only leave room for one challenge, but the pole shaking part of this challenge was one of the coolest, original parts of any challenge in recent memory. I would love to see a challenge next season that just involves shaking poles, and I never thought I would type that phrase in my life.

Onto the countdown.

14. Dale

Dale, throughly enjoying the experience of a lifetime.

Dale has been on a rapid decline for a few weeks now, and this week he has solidified his spot as my least favorite castaway. Clearly he has some anger issues ("It's OUR camp, MY rice, stay the hell away." "I haven't thrown a rock at anyone yet.") as well as something against younger woman. I am not sure why anyone is surprised that he can't get along with Baylor, seeing as he has had some pretty significant issues with maintaining a relationship with his own daughter. 

After referring to Missy as a "self-centered, bossy bitch" Dale has shown that despite being the oldest member of his tribe, he clearly has not learned how to be a mature, respectful adult. I don't think he is winning over too many female fans, or making any fans in general. Using his own words, hopefully the Coyopa tribe has "one less mouth to feed in 3 days", and hopefully its his. 

13. Jeremy

Jeremy couldn't be happier about the tribal swap. 

Being a Survivor expert and all, I knew that when Jeremy was bragging about him being in a "beautiful spot" within his tribe, that the tribal shake up would probably not work out in his favor. Survivor has the art of foreshadowing down to a science. 

The morning after dissing Jon in his confessionals, Jeremy's reign as the king of Hunahpu tribe came to an abrupt end. Only time will tell if his strategy of "surrounding and drowning" Alec will work, but either way, I love watching him squirm. 

12. Wes

Wes, upon realizing that his new tribe only has two scoops of rice left.

Wes, or Wesley as Papa Keith likes to call him, is fading further and further into the background. While he is doing quite well in the physical challenges, he will never be as good as the physical powerhouse stud, Jon. He has a few funny redneck joke lines, but he will never be as red-necky funny as his father. He is playing a decent strategic game, but nowhere near the game that Josh and Baylor are playing. 

Unless he does something big soon, the next tears he will be shedding, may be as he is taking the lonely walk down elimination dirt road, after Probst ceremoniously snuffs his torch. 

11. Alec

Alec, winner of Survivor: Christy Brothers

Alec has accomplished the goal he set for himself on Survivor; he outlasted his brother, officially beating him in something for the first time in his life. Beating his brother aside, it's tough to tell if Alec was happy or pissed his brother was gone. I think it will benefit Alec in the game, and now that he seems to be the swing vote on his tribe, he could find himself in an alliance that propels him to the end of the game.

My favorite quote of the week came from Alec, and it was quite deep. I'm sure it is a quote used often, but I have never heard it before: "The juice isn't worth the squeeze" Alec PROMISED new tribe mate Reed, in response to Reed's desire to kill a vulture. I'm not sure how Alec knows so much about vultures and their scent, but I will take his word for it that they stink something awful. 

10. Reed

Reed, pondering his next barter with Probst.

Reed has become quite the spokesperson for his tribe, as far as proposing trades for Probst pre and post challenges are concerned. After this week, however, he may have a new job as a spokesperson for Kentucky Fried Chicken, or its sister company, Kentucky Fried Vulture.

Now that his boyfriend Josh is on his tribe, he may end up getting a bit more screen time, as short lived as that may be. They are the only couple on the new Hunahpu tribe, and the only thing that should be bigger than the targets on their backs are Julie's boobs.

9. Kelley

Kelley, upon hearing the news that she will now be on a tribe with her dad.

Poor Kelley. Not only did she get blindsided by getting voted off this week, but she also was unfortunate enough to have to spend her final days with her father, who is becoming quite volatile. We saw Kelley being more of a mother to Dale than a daughter, and I doubt there was anyone that was happy last night that Kelley had to take the fall for her cranky father. At least he was considerate enough to not rip the glasses off of his daughters face and use them to practice his fire starting skills. 

BOLD PREDICTION ALERT:

Kelley and Drew will have "made up" by the time we see them at the reunion, as they spent quite some "time together" at losers lodge. And by "made up" I mean "be in love", and by "time together" I mean "banged."

8. Julie

Julie, doing her best to explain how she still has not been voted off. 

Nobody has benefited from a loved one being voted off more than (Angelina) Julie has. She is now a much needed number for a vote on the Hunahpu tribe. I am convinced that Julie goes off site for a bit before she does her confessionals, because she always looks super hot, and the opposite of what one would look like after being stranded on an island for 13 days. If Hunahpu wins next weeks immunity challenge, I expect Julie to make it to the final 5, no questions asked; and on beauty alone, it will be a well deserved accomplishment. 

7. Missy

Mother of the year, Missy

As any typical mother would do, Missy not only protected her daughter this week from Big Bad Dale, she also ensured that her daughter received two extra spoonfuls of rice. If Missy has taught me anything this week, its that my mother and grandmother would be the worst Survivor castaways of all time because we would be out of food on day 3 due to their persistence that I eat as much rice as possible.  Missy could be in some trouble if Jon and Jaclyn decide to team up with the old men, and break up the mother-daughter duo, which I don't want to see happen, but is completely plausible. 

6. Natalie 

Natalie, the most famous Sri-Lankan female Survivor contestant of all time. 

Natalie may have faded into the background the past two weeks, but she certainly has not stopped playing the game. She has been at the center of nearly every single Hunahpu strategy conversation, and even though she may be in the minority if Reed flips to Josh and the former Coyopa boys, I'm sure that Natalie will find a way to save herself. She seems to be quite obsessed with forming a "singles" alliance, and I will be shocked if she doesn't succeed and make it to the very end.

Despite the fact that her knee is more bruised than I have ever seen a knee in my life, she still kicks ass in competition, and could still kick my ass, even if her knee was snapped in half.

5. Baylor

Baylor, lusting after sexy couple Jon and Jaclyn

Yes, I have said it before and I will say it again; Baylor has been my pick to win since episode 1, and even though she has almost been voted off 4/5 times, she is still my pick to win. Anyone that can survive receiving votes all four tribal councils she has been to, clearly has some power behind her that we are not seeing. 

Since I am a self proclaimed Survivor guru, I would be mortified if my week 1 pick was voted off pre-merge, which is why Baylor has nearly given me a stroke for a solid month. 

4. Josh

Josh, if you close your eyes and think hard enough, maybe Probst will appear with a big bag of rice at your camp. 

Josh continues to impress me. This week he was a bit under the radar, but his reunion with Reed allowed us to see a more playful side of him. If he can keep Alec and Wes close to him, and force Reed to vote alongside them, he will likely win the game. If, however, he lets Jeremy "surround and drown" Alec, this all-star-worthy castaway could see his time on Survivor come to a disappointing, untimely end. 

3. Keith

Keith, hanging out with all his friends on the new Coyopa tribe.

From the look of despair on his face when he realize the repositioning of the tribes, to the look of confidence on his face at tribal council, Keith was a complete stud this week. He sat back and let the couples duke it out, and simply voted with the majority. His positioning in the new Coyopa tribe should cruise him right along to the merge, and I couldn't be happier.

Keith's one-liners at tribal are hysterical, and I think even Jeff Probst, who typically hates older people, may have a soft spot in his heart for the guy. Keith will outlast his son, and Keith will be remembered as one of the best characters of the season. Hands down.

2. Jaclyn

The new Queen of the Beach, Jaclyn

Nobody has had more of a successful turn around than Jaclyn. She was all but guaranteed to be the 2nd voted out of the game. Then, I was sure she was going to be voted out 3rd. Then I was positive she would be voted off 4th. Now, she is in the best spot of anyone in the game. Worst case scenario, she has her boyfriend there to take the fall first should the natives decide they want to break up the king and queen; but let's face it; they are so perfect that people would never want to vote them out.

Jaclyn also proposed, what could possibly be the greatest strategic plan in Survivor history, to her boyfriend Jon. "Soooooooo, we got to get to know people more." Brilliant.
This girl is the complete package.



1. Jon

King of the Flint, Jon


This dude has got it all. He gets a tribe swap right when he is in the most danger on his tribe. He is in the majority alliance on his newly formed tribe. He is the most physically strong guy left on the island. Jon has the hottest and coolest girl on the island, and he is, self proclaimed of course, better looking than Brad Pitt.

Jon has been my favorite since week 1, and from the looks of it, has the potential to be an all-time Survivor fav. I fear that Coyopa may lose immunity again next week, forcing them to vote off Dale. While I strongly dislike Dale, this would be terrible news for Jon, as the Coyopa tribe would likely be on the wrong side of a merge, and Jon would be target number 1 for the duration of the season.  Hopefully Jon and Jaclyn can solidify their alliance with Misty and Baylor. All they would need to do would be get Keith and Wes on board and we could have the potential for an epic Jon Michigan win.
I fear, however, there is a better chance of Jeff Probst cooking Hunahpu pork fried rice than Jon winning this game. 

PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 5: BAYLOR
PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 4: BAYLOR

PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 3: BAYLOR

PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 2: BAYLOR

PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 1: BAYLOR

WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 5: JON

WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 4: JON

WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 3: JON

WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 2: JON

WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 1: JON

THINK WILL BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 6: DALE

THINK WILL BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 5: WES

THINK WILL BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 4: DREW

THINK WILL BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 3: JACLYN

THINK WILL BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 2: JACLYN

WANT TO BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 6: JEREMY

WANT TO BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 5: JEREMY

WANT TO BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 4: JEREMY

WANT TO BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 3: ROCKER

WANT TO BE VOTED OFF EPISODE 2: ROCKER