It was in a tiny Malaysian fishing village in late May of 2000 that I fell in love. What could have easily turned into just another lusty summertime fling, has since developed into the longest, steadiest, and most committed relationship of my life. There has not been a single, solitary moment in the last fourteen years that our relationship has floundered. In fact, our bond has only grown deeper. We have laughed together, cried together, been through numerous injuries together, and even had the occasional nervous breakdown together. My entire “adult” life has been spent with you by my side, and I am forever grateful for your loyalty, perseverance, and our ever-evolving relationship. “Survivor”, I can’t imagine life without you.
For fourteen years and twenty-nine seasons, I have never missed a minute of the groundbreaking, “social experiment” that swept the nation back in the summer of 2000. I have had hundreds, if not thousands of conversations with family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and complete strangers revolving around the most recent episode or season. Some conversations had with people of similar viewpoints often cause my love and admiration for them to blossom. Adversely, there have been conversations that left me wondering why I have ever been friends with this person in the first place.
With all this being said, I have decided to begin sharing my thoughts publically for all to see/share/discuss. However, since I am a countdown specialist, rather than writing an everyday ho-hum, run of the mill, recap of the show, this blog will be dedicated to counting down my favorite contestants, and sharing my opinions of them throughout the season. Each week I will rank all the remaining contestants and share with you why I love or inevitably despise them so much.
Without further ado, I share with you my countdown of the cast of “Survivor: San Juan Del Sur.”
- John “Wetland” Rocker - One would think that if former Atlanta Braves pitcher, John Rocker, the oft referred to “racist, homophobic, bigot”, wanted to repair his tarnished image with America, going on Survivor may be a good platform to do so. So far, not only has Mr. Rocker not made me think any different of him, but now, I will add the adjectives boring, and crotchety to his title. The only thing that impressed me about Mr. John “Wetland” boring, crotchety, homophobic, racist, bigot, Rocker, was the way that he literally threw his teammates up the wall during the immunity challenge. And, of course, his girlfriend, Julie. Knowing how much Jeff Probst loves calling alpha males by their last name, I can only imagine how pained he must be on the inside to not be able to refer to John as “Rocker.” I am guaranteeing Probst says “Rocker” at least 6 times at the live finale.
- Nadiya (AKA Twinnie #1) - The second I heard the Amazing Race "Twinnies" would be on Survivor, I predicted that at least one of them would be gone within the first two weeks. Maybe even both. I’m hard pressed to remember many people that dug themselves into a bigger hole post-immunity challenge, than Nadiya. To be fair, even if she did not call her male tribe member that was the deciding vote a “girl” because he is homosexual, she still could have been voted off. However, she certainly did herself no favors, and if she did not open her loud mouth, she may have had a chance to Survive for a few more weeks. Instead, she now goes down in reality TV history as being the only person in the entire world to be the first person eliminated from the Amazing Race, AND the first person voted off of Survivor. Somewhere even Francesca, who was voted off Survivor first BOTH times she played, is laughing at Nadiya for being so bad at Reality TV. I was back and forth with her and Rocker for least favorite, but I do love a good margarita, and anytime margarita talk can be incorporated in tribal councils, it can’t be ignored.
- Drew - I have a strong feeling that Drew, the older, and questionably wiser brother of Alec, is in for an uphill battle on his “blue” tribe. If only there were some Europeans on his tribe that knew how much of a (not HUGE), but pretty big deal model he was in Europe, maybe he would have found himself beating off his tribemates (that wanted to align with him) with a stick. I also have a prediction that his shelter that he took charge of building will last about as long as piggy number one’s straw house in the classic 3 Little Pigs fairy tale. I fear that Drew may not last long enough for me to begin liking his carefree, laid-back, personality that I appreciate, and look for when choosing friends in real life.
- Wes - I originally thought that Wes’s dad, Keith, was being hard on his son when, four minutes into the episode, he told his son that he was about “as mentally strong as that rock”, but halfway through the episode I realized that maybe Keith was being a bit generous with his son’s mental capability. When pressing John for his last name because he recognized him as “someone he has seen on TV before,” (ummmmmm, Keith and Wes have a TV?) his first question in his impromptu game of 20 Questions was “Does it have 5 letters?” mistakenly thinking that Rocker had only five letters. Realizing his blunder, he kept pressuring Rocker until he finally caved and admitted that he was, indeed, the asshole that is hated by all of America. Wes, agreed to Rocker’s plea to stay hush hush about the secret because Wes could relate to Mr. Rocker because, you know, he too, use to play baseball.
- Missy - No offense what-so-ever to anyone that has been divorced three times, as I am sure you are a lovely person. But, a word of advice, if you introduce yourself to people, and that is one of the first things you tell people, they mayyyyyyyyyyyyy mistakenly assume that you are a raging bitch and no human can deal with you for longer than a few years. But what do I know? Other than the fact that her 20 year old daughter Baylor, is basically the adult in the relationship, and she has been divorced three times, the only thing I learned about her is that she was very concerned with the stability of the “shelter” that Drew was “building.” Maybe she is planning on looking for husband #4 in San Juan Del Sur, and wants to make sure that all accommodations are up to par in case she wanted to “test the waters” before saying “I Do” again.
- Natalie (AKA. Twinnie #2) - I have to admit that I am actually a little bit exciting to get to know Natalie/Nadiya without Natalie/Nadiya around. I am curious to see how Natalie will interact with other human beings besides her clone. I feel as though I could actually start to like her, because what I despise most about the twinnies is their bickering and arguing and their voices and their whining and their accents and their loud, abrasive personalities. Hopefully Natalie can have a personality of her own now, which I actually think I will enjoy. They seem like fun girls to party with, and I imagine them to be able to throw a few back with the best of them. My kind of girls.
So, while I am excited that one twinnie is gone, I am devastated that it happened before the impending loved one jousting competition which I would have paid good money to hear Probst’s commentary. “Natalie NAILS Nadiya in the head. Or was that Nadiya that smashed Natalie in the head?” “NADIYA wins a point for the blue team!!! Oh, nevermind, that was Natalie!! Natalie wins a point for the blue team!!!!!” I fear that we missed quite a grudge match by voting Nadiya out at the first tribal. A full fledged, hair-pulling, eye-gouging, grudge match between the most famous Sri Lankan twinnies of all time.
- Reed - Reed was pretty much non-existent in episode one, BUT, we learned that he is amazing at at least one thing: Rocks, Paper, Scissors. I have always prided myself on my ability to demolish at RPS, but this guy, comes right in, and blows old man Dale right out of the water. Throwing a rock on your first shoot? This guy knows what he is doing. I can’t help but wonder if his strategy would have changed if the all important rock-paper-scissor game was two out of three, and the world may never know. Seriously Survivor, you really dropped the ball on some great TV by only making the RPS game best of one. Who the hell plays best of one Rock Paper Scissors??? If his Survivor game play is even a fraction of what his RPS game is, my money is on this dude to take home the title of Sole Survivor, and the $1,000,000 that goes along with it.
- Alec - The younger, and apparently less attractive brother of European Top Model Drew, seems to have a much better grasp on this game. The bro vs. bro game is on, and while I am predicting a Drew victory in the jousting match, I would bet my bottom dollar that Alec wins the war, and outlasts his evidently devilishly handsome broski. Alec should fit right in on the “orange” tribe, because they will more than likely just vote off all the OLD people. I mean, who in their right mind would want an old, decrepit, thirty-something on their Survivor tribe? Or even worse, the elderly, useless, 55 year old Dale. The horror!
- Dale - The only thing I could think about when old man Dale saved the day and broke his glasses in order to start a fire for the young beautiful people, is the classic quote, from the even more classic film, Dumb and Dumber. “Hey, I guess they’re right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose.”
Unfortunately for Dale, I think his time may be short lived because of his aforementioned age and painfully obvious inability to bond with the youth of America. Even his young, pretty daughter decided she didn’t want to hang with him for a few years. Until, of course, he was needed to help her get on Survivor. If, however, he did indeed find the “hidden” immunity idol, but does not even realize it because of his voluntary blindness, it will be one of the greatest, and saddest things that have ever happend on the show.
- Jeremy - Right out of the gate I liked this guy. I was impressed by his competitiveness and the fact that he was willing to do anything to win, even if it meant his wife had to lose. His post victory emotions showed us that despite demolishing his wife in the first challenge, all but ruining her game, he has a good heart and feels bad about the situation. I too, am extremely competitive, and would have no problem beating a loved one in a challenge. But, I would be an emotional basketcase if was the reason that my wife had to live on a deserted island alone with no shelter, no food, and a strange old man.
What I disliked about Jeremy is how concerned he was about his “friends” back home. In his first shirtless, overly-erotic-positioning-on-the-rocks confessional, he tells the camera that he is nervous about his friends killing him because he cried on the show. I would have just chalked this up as a tough, Boston firefighter being slightly embarrassed about showing his emotions, but I am not 100% certain that Jeremy was not serious. On a related note: Has anyone heard from Jeremy since the episode premiered?
I am nervous that Jeremy may be playing too hard, too quickly. Day one alliances on Survivor have had some pretty good track records, but they have also failed miserably, and typically the ring leader will be the first of the group to get the boot.
- Kelley - I am pretty sure that Kelley is on the show. I vaguely remember Jeremy pulling her in and asking her to join his alliance as she was carrying a few sticks, presumably to accomplish her assigned task of tending to the fire.
The first episode left me with some questions that I would like answered ASAP, but the numero uno thing that I MUST find out before the season ends is why Kelley and her father, blind farmer Dale, did not talk for a few years. And I want, and frankly feel as though I deserve, every last juicy detail. Until then, I will take the side of the hot blonde in the bikini and assume that Dale is a prick.
- Keith - Apparently the Einstein of the family, Keith is the father of dumb-as-a-rock Wes. Even though, when introducing themselves to the group, after Probst pointed to them and demanded “You two, in the camo, what are your names?” Keith said “Wes, and Keith, father and son.” (and pointed to his son when he said father, and pointed to himself when he said son.) Close enough dude. Close enough.
Keith, however, delivered my favorite quote of the episode. When forced on exile island with Val, he admitted to Val that he, too, was a firefighter, just like her husband, Jeremy. Val, clearly in disbelief, exclaimed “GET OUT!” as just about every normal person mutters when they hear some heavy news. Without skipping a beat, Keith yells back to her “GET IN!” I have never heard anyone respond that way, and I instantly promised myself that for the rest of my life, whenever anyone says “GET OUT” to me, I will respond even louder, and with more gumption, GET IN!
- Julie - I suppose I liked Julie about as much as I could possibly like anyone in a committed relationship with John Rocker. She seems to be a strong-minded, tough chick, but with a soft tender side. I briefly looked at the contestants CBS bios, and her favorite previous castaway of all time is also my favorite castaway of all time; the one and only Colleen Haskell. If this chick turns out to be ANYTHING like Colleen Haskell I will eat my socks, but I digress.
She admitted that she doesn't want to be remembered as Julie, with the big hair, and big boobs, and John Rocker’s girlfriend. Don’t worry Julie, that would never happen. I have no idea what your hair even looks like.
- Jaclyn - Jaclyn’s biggest fear is that people will look at her and her boyfriend Jon and think, “oh, look at them they are the perfect couple.” Only time will tell if they are the perfect couple, but after episode one, they are by far my favorite couple. The are good looking, attractive, ummmmmm,easy on the eyes, and, ummmmmmm, nice to look at.
Soon maybe I could possibly be a bit shallow, but I look forward to seeing her personality come out. Unfortunately, it looks as though Jaclyn and Jon may both be on the outs as far as alliances in their tribe are concerned. I’m hoping at least one of them can survive long enough to make it to the merge and do some damage. If not, I hope Jaclyn continues to wear as little clothing as possible until her upcoming, predictable tribal council send off.
- Val - If I were to ever commit a crime in Massachusettes, I would be sure that Val is on duty, and I would be sure that I was around plenty of logs, or things that I could climb on to ensure that I could get away from police woman, Val. Not only was she humiliated by losing to her uber competitive husband, Jeremy. But she also had the added pressure of Probst screaming at her “LET’S GO WOMAN!” as she was attempting to throw herself over the logs in the first challenge of the season. Needless to say, she lost. Like her husband, I admire her competitiveness and her fearlessness, and I think, like Cirie, if she can survive a few more weeks, she can make it to the very end of this game.
Val must have not seen many seasons of Survivor though, because she is under the belief that if she forms an all girl alliance, it will be some sort of history for Survivor. Umm, ok? Survivor: Amazon? Survivor Micronesia? Survivor One World? Parvati Shallow’s heart must have skipped a beat when she heard that joke of a conversation.
- Baylor - I am going out on a limb and predicting Baylor as the sole Survivor this year. Not only because I have her in the office pool, but because she reminds me of Ciera from the original Blood Vs. Water. Like Ciera, she will almost certainly be voting off her mother, should her mother survive until the merge. She may even be good enough of a player to get her mother to the final three, that is if her mother doesn’t decide to get married to a cameraman, or local San Juan Del Sur’ian before the final tribal council even takes place. As of right now though, this game is Baylor’s to lose.
- Josh - First the guy gets crabs, then he gets some sort of eye poisoning for the entire first three days. What an up and down first episode for Josh. If his eyes can stay clean, and if he doesn’t get too caught up in the middle of the men and woman, Josh, along with Baylor, should dominate this tribe. I do wish that Josh called out Nadiya on her amazing ability to be so ignorant, but for his game, it was probably best that he stayed calm and let the loudmouth be voted off. It sap eyes can stay uninjured, I see this guy going very far, and deservingly so.
- Jon - If I could choose who I wanted to win right now, it would HANDS DOWN be this guy. He just seems like a normal, cool, down-to-Earth dude. Not only does Jon have a major cause for concern about his girlfriend being voted off sooner, rather than later, he also has the added stress of having his cancer-ridden father fighting for his life at home. I am pulling for Jon, his father, his girlfriend, his dog, his cat, or whatever the hell else is important to him. He is strong enough to make the merge, and likable enough to not get voted off post merge. Let’s just hope he is smart enough to make some new alliances, in his already heavily aligned tribe.
PICK TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 1 - BAYLOR
WANT TO WIN AFTER EPISODE 1 - JON
THINK IS NEXT TO BE VOTED OFF - JACLYN
WANT TO BE VOTED OFF NEXT - ROCKER
WANT TO GET A BEER WITH - JON. AND HIS FAMILY.
